


Beneath her Walls

by FanDub_Writer



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Depression, Eventual Romance, F/F, Fluff and Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-02
Updated: 2019-01-02
Packaged: 2019-10-03 05:02:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17277560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FanDub_Writer/pseuds/FanDub_Writer
Summary: It is set after 2x16. My take on season 2. Eventual SwanQueen.After Cora's death, Regina shuts herself off not even attempting to see Henry or enact revenge on Snow through her grief. Being alone in that now empty mansion and having given up on practically life itself she spirals: thoughts which started off as distant memories of her late Mother soon escalate to when she was married. It frightens her, depresses her and she feels alone, trapped.Sorry, I'm not very good at summaries.I do not own these characters other than a couple: all rights go to their original owners.





	Beneath her Walls

_It was the first night terror she had ever experienced. Waking up drenched in cold sweat, her heart hammering deep within her chest and breathing laboured. She couldn't quite remember the details, however what she did know was that it had left her feeling uneasy._

_Brown eyes darted round the room, frantically searching for any danger that could be lurking there; only she couldn't clearly make out what was in front of her, only shadows. They reminded her of monsters you'd claps eyes on during a midnight hike in the woods._

_The figures only seemed to become more clear the longer she glared, eyes wide in alarm, imagination whirling. She could feel the sobs working their way up her throat only to squash them down as much as her body allowed. Showing fear was weakness: she would not be weak, she couldn't be weak._

_As much as she tried, her efforts were in vain as a particularly loud sob broke free from her chest and the tears began to fall. It was too dark, the shadows, too dar-_

_"Regina, sweetheart?" a worried voice broke through the darkness. She'd recognise that particular voice anywhere, her body seemed to relax a small fraction just by the sound of it. "What on earth's the matter?"_

_Despite hearing the woman whom was now apparently closer, she still couldn't quite bring herself to look up to meet those familiar blue eyes she had come to love: that was until she felt the bed dip beside her._

_She attempted to look up in order to find that comfort she craved, only it was still too dark. "S-Sara?"she choked out in alarm, another sob working its way up, this one causing her entire body to tremble._

_Warm arms suddenly engulfed her in a tight embrace however not tight enough to suffocate her. "Oh sweetie, it's alright," the older woman soothed, running her hand through raven locks. "You had a nightmare, there's absolutely nothing to be frightened of."_

_Feeling safe within the woman's embrace the small brunette couldn't keep from snuggling closer into the warmth. For a moment she allowed herself the comfort she so desperately craved, only for realisation to strike her a moment later, slapping her in the face._

_Her breathing seemed to pick up as she quickly detached herself from the other woman, shaking her head frantically. "M-My Mother. Y-you'll get into t-trouble, S-Sara." It sounded more of a desperate plea than the warning she had before intended._

_Sara furrowed her brows upon watching the small girls fear escalate. She knew of Cora's hatred for coddling and knew that comforting her daughter would only cause mayhem if she were to find out. It was absurd, truly it was.. Some people just didn't deserve to have children. What sort of a Mother intentionally punishes her child with magic for going to someone for comfort?_

_Gritting her teeth she pushed her arising anger to one side. Right now her main focus was on calming the small child in front of her. She'd deal with Cora's wrath later, knowing full well the witch would find out about this encounter some way or another._

_"Regina, breathe slower sweetheart," she instructed in a more firmer tone in order to get the eight year old to focus on calming herself. "Don't worry about your Mother, alright? Right now you need to focus on breathing, try to match mine."_

_The brunette nodded, mimicking Sara's breathing as best she could: in through her nose and out through her mouth. She felt her chest beginning to loosen its tight hold, the fear slowly ebbing away as her body began to calm._

_"There we go, good girl. See, you're alright, honey." All Regina could do was nod with Sara's voice.. she felt so utterly embarrassed. Obviously that embarrassment couldn't be hidden from her features. "What are you thinking about?" The maid asked, knowing how much the girls mind often wondered._

_The brunette seemed to hesitate before attempting to answer. "I-I'm sorry.." She stuttered, tripping clumsily over her words. "I shouldn't have crie- I didn't mean t-to.. I was weak.. Mother sai-"_

_"Alright I'm going to stop you right there," Sara interrupted, placing both her hands on the girls upper arms. "What your Mother is telling you is wrong. It isn't weakness to cry, or to seek out comfort in others, it makes you human. You're a little girl and you need a bit of coddling now and then. Your mother disagrees with any sort of love and comfort, or even a display of any sort of emotion other than anger. Whether she's either been through something painful herself or has somehow developed these beliefs she takes it out on you. You do realise how wrong that is, for an adult to do that, don't you?" At the girls nod Sara pulled her back into an embrace. "You're a wonderful little girl and you need to understand that it's alright to show vulnerability sometimes, especially with people you care about. It doesn't indicate that you're weak, only human. It's alright.. Your Mother just, doesn't understand that."_

_"She hates me.." the young girl wept. "I- I try to please her.. But she always hates me."_

_"No, Regina.. I- I don't think that she hates you. I think she is just so focussed on her beliefs that she thinks she's being weak showing her affection towards you. I don't think any mother could truly hate their own child."_

_The young brunette seemed to disagree. "But you don't see the way she looks at me.." she murmured. "Daddy always has love in his eyes even when he's mad.. But Mother doesn't.. She hates me. I know she does. E-even when I'm good she hates me."_

_Hearing this caused Sara's heart to clench painfully for the girl. She had first hoped she could assure her, to convince her that somewhere in that woman's empty chest was the love for her daughter. Who was she kidding- there was no love or devotion in Cora at all, nothing but a shallow empty chest that could only be filled by darkness._

_She felt the girl shift against her, tilting her head up in order to meet her gaze."Y-you said that Mother was so focussed on her beliefs that she thinks showing her affection to me was weakness.." Regina's voice hitched: she was holding back more unwanted tears. "Even when people d-don't want to show it they do.. Behind their eyes.. L-like how I said that Daddy always has love there, even when he's mad.."_

_There was a long pause, but still the maid remained silent, waiting patiently for the girl to continue. She began threading her fingers through dark locks again._

_"I- I don't think I've ever seen any emotion in Mothers. Nothing but anger, a-and hatred," the girl spoke her thoughts. "I just want to make her proud of me.. I- I try to be good, b-but it's never enough.." another pause. "Perhaps I'm not good enough."_

_Sara shook her head almost frantically at that. Self-doubt such as that was usually found in fully grown adults, not small children. It was becoming more clear for the maid each time she'd witness Regina breakdown: Cora was slowly breaking her, lowering her self esteem little by little until there would be nothing left of her, nothing but a tool in order to use for her schemes._

_"No, Regina, no.. Don't you believe anything negative that woman says, it'll only bring you down. I believe in you and so does your Father. You are good enough, for him, for me and for pretty much everyone else, more than enough I should say." This was proving to be difficult, then again, convincing Regina had always proven to be difficult.. The girl was intelligent and highly observant for her age, almost nothing got passed her and once she had an opinion, negative or positive, it remained, and no one could convince her otherwise, not even the girl herself._

_Sara awaited for the reply in protest, only to furrow her brows over the silence that followed. Surely she hadn't just won that argument. When she was about to say something else she was brought to a sudden halt at the vulnerable plead that reached her ears._

_"Please don't leave.." the tone was frantic, yet tired all at once- defeated. If Sara could sum it up in one word other than vulnerable she'd say it was heartbroken. It sent another shock wave of pain throughout her chest, that and a sudden load of guilt at what she was about to promise._

_"I'm not leaving," her eyes filled at her own empty words. She knew she wouldn't be around for long, not if Cora had anything to do with it. "I'll never leave you.. I promise."_

_Despite the darkness still clouding her vision, she knew the girl was smiling. "Good.." the sadness couldn't be hidden from her tone. 'Observant': Sara thought to herself, knowing full well Regina knew the promise was empty, and yet she never said anything about it, allowing herself that small ray of hope before fate would ultimately destroy it._

_Kissing the top of the girls head the maid shifted them down until they were both laying, Regina snuggled into her side, her head resting against her chest. She vowed to herself there and them that she would protect this little girl for as long as time possibly allowed her to, no matter the consequences. "Thank you, Sara.."_

* * *

 

 

Her memory ended abruptly as Regina was shaken back into reality. There was a dull ache behind her eyes, both of them clearly in protest at the unexpected awakening, that and the dim moonlight intruding through the gap in her curtains. She let out an exasperated sigh as she sat herself up, her limbs screeching in protest at the unwanted movements.

Admitting she was confused would have been an understatement. No- she was baffled. She hadn't dreamt of Sara for years, neither had she dreamt or even briefly thought of her childhood much. Although the distant memory hadn't been exactly unpleasant, she couldn't keep the violent shudder at bay by the thought of Sara alone, knowing precisely what had happened not too long after that specific night.

Being raised by Cora Mills wasn't the most loving upbringing, quite the opposite she'd say. The constant fear of disappointing her late mother once consumed her for as long as she could remember, and still continued to linger in the back of her mind, always reminding her of how worthless she truly was.

She may have once been the Evil Queen with an undeniable thirst for vengeance, but still deep down inside a small part of her still - to this day - felt like that vulnerable child whom merely craved her Mothers love. Each look Cora bestowed upon her had been with cold, dark eyes; there was never any light behind them, even during a smile. There was no trace of love behind them, that or admiration - non. It had always left her feeling uneasy, even now.

 _"Love is weakness"_ \- was the life long lesson her Mother had taught her not even a minute after Daniel had died, and she couldn't help but ask herself if it were true. All love had done was cause her great heartache in more ways than one, however on the other hand it was also love that encouraged her to go down this road of redemption- but look where that had gotten her so far. A son who saw her as nothing but an evil queen, who didn't even consider her to be his mother. Each rejection from her son felt more like a physical blow to her stomach, knocking the very air out from her lungs. She longed to engulf the boy in a tight embrace and tell him how much she loved him, it pained her to know he'd more than likely reject her.

Half of her longed to blame Snow White for Cora's demise, for she cursed her heart and used the woman's old tactics of manipulation- but no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't, despite everything she couldn't.

 _"She doesn't love you, you know,"_ Snow had said, a look of pity plastered on her face. _"She doesn't have her heart."_

Despite knowing deep down within her that the younger woman was right, she didn't believe it, purely because she didn't want to believe it. It was the only thing that kept her sane: Henry didn't love her, Daniel was gone, not to mention her father, she needed to believe that deep down she was loved, that she wasn't truly alone.

 _"She always wanted what was best for me,"_ she tried to retort, although it sounded desperate even to her own ears, _"that's love."_

The pitiful look ceased to change on Snow's face, the look alone causing Regina's anger to flare deep inside. She wanted nothing more than to claw at the woman's throat, viciously tearing the thing out and rejoicing, however the thought of her son seemed to keep her in check as the boy would surely despise her more than he already did.

 _'Pathetic,'_ her mind quipped. Had she really yearned for her Mothers love and approval so much that she had allowed herself to be manipulated by _Snow White?_

_'Just when I thought you couldn't stoop any lower.'_

The thoughts continued to whirl behind haunted dark eyes. For a split moment she saw it- the love in her Mother's eyes. For that one moment she felt as though she was enough. She had finally felt what she had been yearning for- her Mother's affections.. Only for fate to intervene, cruelly taking it away from her, ripping it directly out from her very grasp without so much as a second thought.

Her anger intensified the longer she dwelled on it, however surprisingly it wasn't directed at Snow, only at herself. She could easily place blame on the younger woman, direct her grief and seek out vengeance, launch her anger toward her and make her bleed for what she's done, only she couldn't.. she didn't want to, she didn't _need_ to.

 _Exhausted_ \- she was exhausted.

_'Look at you, you're weak!'_

She was now sat perched on the edge of her bed, her elbows resting on her knees with her head buried in clammy hands. Her lungs were clenched tightly and her eyes now stung at the newly wave of tears she was so desperately willing to hold back. Trying to retain composure was proving to be difficult, however not impossible, although she couldn't help but question if today it would be.

Whilst growing up crying was something which was frowned upon, in fact displaying any sort of emotion that could pass as vulnerability was considered weak. _Weakness:_ she despised that word. She recalled on how often she'd be holding her tears at bay as a small child, biting the insides of her cheeks until she could taste copper, it was never particularly a pleasant sensation.

 _"Don't cry! Queens do. not. cry!"_ Her Mother would often scold her if any trace of moisture built in dark eyes, however it would only result in her biting her cheeks harder, internally telling herself to be strong, proving to Cora that she wasn't weak- she could be strong.

Her Father would mostly take a calmer approach. _"Regina, don't cry. You have to be strong, your Mother won't approve."_

Now currently biting the inside of her lower lip, head still buried in her palms Regina desperately willed for her thoughts to vanish, to evaporate into thin air like they had done years ago. But alas no matter how hard she tried there they remained. They plagued her, weighed on her mind like they had throughout the first few decades of her life. It was almost like some kind of game, a sick twisted game which ceased to end, continuously nagging, daring her to fight back. They often reminded her of the darkness surrounding her heart: it always lingered, pulling her closer, closer until her entire world was drowned in it, wrapping her in a tight hold, squeezing every ounce of light out of her and eventually consuming her.

 _"The darkness likes how you taste, Dearie."_ Rumple's grating voice invaded her thoughts. She began clawing at her hair, _"it doesn't mind the bitter,"_ Shut up, shut up, _"and now that it's started a meal, it's gonna finish it."_

It was as though her body was on autopilot. Her lungs desperately trying to take in air, her entire frame shuddering at her internal battle. Her tears seemed to fall despite her attempts to prevent them, her efforts had proven to be futile and once they began there was no use. Half of her didn't understand why, she had allowed herself the brief moment of weakness when her Mother had died and that was humiliating enough. If she wasn't reduced to this infernal mess she'd more than likely scoff at the absurdity of it all: how could one be humiliated by themselves? This was something she didn't know and couldn't even begin to comprehend.

 _"You really are the Evil Queen,"_ Her head rose at the sound of her sons voice, _"I don't want to see you again."_ Her tears fell faster whilst she pictured the look of disgust on her baby's face, no trace of love in his eyes, only the betrayal _she_ had caused, not to mention the _hurt_ and.. and..

She inhaled sharply at the unwanted memory, sliding down from her bed until she was sat on her carpet leaning against her the wooden post. She longed to build her perfectly structured wall, preventing anymore vulnerability to make itself known between the cracks, however she knew there was no use trying, she was merely delaying the inevitable. She knew that. Besides it wasn't as if she didn't _deserve_ this- her fate, after all she had done. Part of the woman was surprised there hadn't been a second mob out hunting for her blood, seeking out justice. She wouldn't blame them, she'd more than likely do the same.

She brought her knees toward her chest, hugging them tightly as though her life depended on it. Her mind briefly wondered back to Sara, imagining the disappointed look on her face if she could witness her now. That innocent little girl the maid had once comforted had long disappeared, turned into the woman she always promised she wouldn't become. Half of Regina was glad she couldn't see her now, grateful that the woman didn't have to suffer like everyone else she had destroyed.

Perhaps she was better off alone. _Evil.._

 _"You can pretend all you want but we know how you are, and who you will always be."_ Out of the entire charming clan she had never expected Emma to say that, although she couldn't entirely blame her. She had _poisoned_ the woman- well, attempted to. What she didn't understand was why it hurt so much?

Hearing those venomous words fall from the saviors tongue had felt like someone had physically punched her below her ribs, knocking the air out of her lungs in one swift movement. It was truly no wonder she didn't form a reply, simply because she _couldn't._

 _'Weak!'_ Shut up, shut up!

She clamped her eyes shut as tightly as they'd go silently pleading for everything to just- _stop._ Everything around her felt disconnected somehow, as if Regina wasn't all there herself. Between her plaguing thoughts and the constant hammering of her darkened heart, Regina could barely make out the sounds of her own sobs filling her bedroom. God why was she so-

_"You think it was that easy to get rid of me?"_

Mother?

A sudden cry echoed throughout the moonlit room, that and the violent smash of her ornate mirror which was hung exquisitely on the wall across from her. The glass shattered down onto her carpet, drumming against it in all different shapes and sizes. The different shapes from each individual shard reflected against the ray of moonlight. Some would have considered it both tragic and yet highly beautiful all at once- alluring.

Each sound from the shattering mirror to the sharp cry; both of them equally pounded against her eardrums, startling her. It took her merely a few moments to realise that the source of both noises came from herself. It was the sound of pure anguish and rage that would usually cause peoples hairs to stand on end.

Her entire frame continued to shudder violently against her bed post, her finger nails digging vigorously into her scalp. God, _why_ did she destroy _everything?_ Why couldn't she make it all just- _go away?!_

Frail fingernails now dug impossibly tighter against her irritated scalp, shooting a somewhat burning sensation across the delicate flesh, however it didn't prevent _anything!_

She exhaled on a shaky breath which she hadn't realised was being held.

She shook her head.. Her mother was right-

..Another sob.

-she would _never_ be rid of her.

_"You're stuck with me forever, darling."_

**Author's Note:**

> So this is just the prologue. I often put less description in these. My aim in this story is to dive deep into Regina's mind and seeing what I can come up with.
> 
> My idea is that Regina hides behind her anger and pushes any feelings she has to one side and focuses on Snow. If you push everything to one side and lock it up, one day it all comes out and strikes you with force. For some people it can be forty odd years before it shows.. That's where my logic is with Regina in this story: she hasn't thought of her childhood or allowed herself to properly break down. I know darn well that being alone forces it out of you as that's when your thoughts spiral.. Before Henry, Regina was alone however she was still mayor and therefor had a focus. Now she doesn't and it's hit her full force. 
> 
> I will dive deeper into Regina's past and thoughts as the story goes on, so due to this she will be out of character on some elements however not massively. This is also my intention as when you're having one of these sorts of mental breaks you honestly don't recognise others, very much like I didn't recognise myself and still occasionally don't. I went from a happy girl to a skinny, dirty, melancholy person whom locked herself away in her bedroom with nothing but her thoughts plaguing her and I still, to this day can't explain why. 
> 
> This will also be SwanQueen eventually, however their progression will be slow, not rushed as my main focus is on Regina


End file.
